To celebrate my new layout I wanted to talk to you about donutomological biology. You see, I am the world's foremost donutomologist and wanted to cover with you some details regarding donut taxonomy.
(If you can't read this post due to the colours, please refresh your browser for a new set of colours. If you can't read this post, then how do you know you should refresh your browser to get a new set of colours? This kind of mystery is better left to a mysterographer. I'm just a donutomologist. Leave me alone.)
It all started when I was but a boy of five. I got to see Tim Horton, the world famous donut hunter, for my birthday. I was thrilled. The man was seven feet tall, covered from head to toe in donut skeletons. I had always idolized him for bringing the delicious donut from the plains of Saskatchewan to my plate at his store. I'll never forget what he told me that day: "Donuts never sleep." I dedicated my life to studying this elusive animal from that day forth.
Donuts are grazing animals that mostly come from Saskatchewan. They move around by rolling through fields of icing sugar flowers, gathering their sweet sugary nectar on the sides of their pastry bodies. The donuts then lie to rest, or find pools of water to mix with their icing sugar stores to form glazes and dips which they use to keep themselves warm over the long winter months.
The anatomy of a donut is simple. Its pastry outer layer keeps the internal goo warm and free from harm. The goo on the inside serves as brain and digestive tract. Usually it is fruit flavoured because the donuts subsist on fruits and berries lying in the plains. Some varieties of donut feed on cow milk and other strange things and so their organs are cream- or chocolate-based. This type of donut is usually the most delicious.
Donuts reproduce by cloning. A piece of donut will break off the parent donut and become a small, pastry sphere. These are called Timbits, named after Tim Horton himself. Once the Timbits have eaten enough, they grow into full goo-filled donuts.
Donut hunters have two primary methods of killing the wild donuts. The first, more traditional method is to shoot the goo right out of the donut. Without the thinking part, donuts lie helpless to be picked up and deep fried. The shot is usually very clean and results in the typical toroidal donut shape with which all Canadians are familiar. The other method is to drown the donut. This ensures the delicious thinking goo remains inside the donut, though hunters find it much less sportsmanlike.
Darwin taught us that donuts evolved from the aquatic fritter, which is oddly shaped compared to its rounder cousin because it doesn't need to use a rolling form of locomotion. Fritters merely have to twist and turn to get through the water. Fritters are usually killed by drying them out. They secrete a sugary coating in the process similar to the land-based donut's winter coat.
Other extant relatives of the donut include the European variant eclair (Eclairans europeanus) and the hardy African walnut (Nuttus delicious) crunch.
As recently as the last quarter century, there were still fearsome carnivorous donuts (Donutae tyrannus) that stalked their prey in the Albertan badlands. This horrible monster rolled eight feet tall, with its terrifying gaping maw capable of consuming an entire man whole. Like the dodo bird it helped extinguish, the carnivorous donut was eradicated by man in 1987. Thankfully so, since it was the number-one cause of death in North America. They tasted awful, too.
Currently there are five accepted major species of donut in the Donutae genus: blanca, the white, fluffy kind of donut; lactus, the sour-cream donut; cioccolata, the rich, chocolaty donut; cruelli, the crueller; and crustulum, the dense, cake-like donut. Each of these species has many different subspecies that differ mostly by the types of food they prefer to eat and by what confections they use to protect themselves from the cold.
Despite what happened to the carnivorous donut, no extant donut species are threatened by industrialization. Surprisingly, no one has attempted to domesticate the donut as a farm animal, since donuts raised in captivity all for some reason end up tasting like old socks. The reason for this is still unknown and is one of the greatest open problems in biocheminomical science. Other than humans, donuts have no known natural predators, probably because everything is still too afraid of carnivorous donuts.
So the next time you bite down on the fried body of one of these animals, make sure to remember the history behind them. And remember Tim Horton, who gave his life while ridding the world of the last sleepless man-eating abomination.